The Annual Closet Switcheroo

Ah … spring is finally here (if you were in Toronto this weekend, you know I'm slighty off by this statement ...brrrrrrr....) and for me that means making the closet switch.

Now most guys have no idea what this means. But for my female readers, you know the drill. Basically it’s taking your itchy wool winter suits to another closet in your house while you transfer your entire summer attire (including bags and shoes) into your main closet. This ritual signals the season for open-toed sandals, and many of you can ditch the control-top pantyhose. Well, some of you anyways.

I did the closet switcheroo this weekend and the best part was getting rid of all those dull dreary colours that I’d been staring at since October. You know the ones: black, midnight black, off-black, washed out black and the dreaded “I thought it was black when I bought it but it’s really dark blue” .. I can’t believe how much black I wear during the fall and winter. I look like some post-war widowed Italian lady all winter long. Well, those schmattes will now go away for another season, to be replaced with cheery hues of pinks, blues, the whitest of whites and, of course, a delicious range of shades in ecru (that’s beige for my male readers).

After my closet is ready for spring and summer, I go shopping to add a few more pieces, like some trendy bits and a few new summer halter dresses. But I do have one fashion wish for this summer … I pray that designers will not bring back any of the following fashion faux pas:.

Ultra low–rise jeans: These jeans are just wrong for women who are still sporting a muffin-top due to little junior … or those whose little ones are all grown up and off to college. Please, if you have a heart “up” those waists. And while you’re at, make sure you add at least two percent Lycra to the mix for those days when one piece of chocolate just won’t do!

Spiky stilettos: Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik, and Miu Miu all played a dirty trick on us gals. They designed the highest of heels, made us sport ugly toe-cleavage and made us pay a G-note for shoes to feel like a real woman. Well, my bunions are saying “no” to high heels this summer. It’s comfy wedgies and Nike Air heels for me!

Ballerina flats: Ballerina flats should be reserved for young girls, or tall women whose legs go on forever. The rest of us look like waddling ducks in those ridiculous things called shoes.

Oversized handbags: I’m not sure what the fascination is with giant sized metallic handbags. Are these women running away from home? What are they carrying in those sacks? You can fit both Olsen twins and a laptop in those hand-bags. Ladies, all you need to ever carry is a credit card and lip gloss.

And finally, the worst summer offence they need to haul to a faraway landfill site is:

Empire-waist mini dresses: No, no, no. Women should not be dressing like their eight-year old daughters in dresses that only look good on ultra-skinny runway models. These dresses make most women look pregnant. Pair this dress with ballerina flats, a pixie haircut and you’ve got Rosemary Woodhouse.

Now, I can’t really comment on men’s fashion … but I will!

Skinny Ties: One word - stupid. America voted. You can only wear a skinny tie if you are Ryan Seacrest.

Happy Closet Switching Ladies!